As my instagram feed is reminding me: today is Throwback Thursday (#tbt)! So, as a nod to that I am going to give a shout out to my younger naive self.
I think back to when I first started getting excited about starting a family. I had been on birth control pills for the better part of 11 years, and when you spend so much time actively trying to prevent pregnancy you kind of assume that once you stop taking them you’ll just immediately fall pregnant. Oh, how silly I was; looking back now I am actually kind of sad that I spent so much time putting all of those artificial hormones into my body when it was so completely unnecessary. My body does not ovulate on its own. It’s still not determined why, but it just doesn’t.
Since stopping birth control I have slowly become a part of the online community of women who are TTC. At first it was just to gain useful information that your parents never taught you during the Birds and the Bees talk, and you can’t take up half of your doctor’s day asking all the questions you have. For example, do you know how long it takes for a sperm to reach an egg? I DO! Aside from that I felt myself sharing in the excitement for the BFP posts, and I was filled with hope for when I’d see those two pink lines. However, as time went on and I graduated from the “TTC” page to the “TTC for 6 Months” and eventually on to the “TTC for 12+ Months” pages my hope and excitement has long since died.
After 6-8months of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant I was in limbo. TTC is no longer new to you, and you – some days – feel like you have a bachelor’s degree in TTC but still haven’t been successful. At the same time due to my age (under 35 years old) doctors still don’t consider my inability to get pregnant a problem since “an average couple can take up to 12 months to get pregnant.” This is where my first fear developed – the fear that I may never be able to have a child of my own. This is the fear that swirls around in my heart every time wait for weeks and weeks to see signs of ovulation, or while I’m propping my hips up after BD. Having been to numerous doctors’ appointments, and provided blood, sweat, and tears to be tested I feel slightly more confident that the doctors will be able to get me pregnant.
This brings on my next fear being that I won’t be able to stay pregnant. As if the stress and heartache of TTC isn’t enough speaking with other woman who have been TTC for more than a year – some of them even more than five years – you hear story after story of them finally getting their BFP only to lose the pregnancy a short time after. The thought of having finally, after all of this time, found out I was pregnant only to have it end in miscarriage is something I fear so much.
So that’s it... my fear of never being able to get pregnant coupled with my fear of actually getting pregnant.
What a wild ride TTC is!
I think back to when I first started getting excited about starting a family. I had been on birth control pills for the better part of 11 years, and when you spend so much time actively trying to prevent pregnancy you kind of assume that once you stop taking them you’ll just immediately fall pregnant. Oh, how silly I was; looking back now I am actually kind of sad that I spent so much time putting all of those artificial hormones into my body when it was so completely unnecessary. My body does not ovulate on its own. It’s still not determined why, but it just doesn’t.
Since stopping birth control I have slowly become a part of the online community of women who are TTC. At first it was just to gain useful information that your parents never taught you during the Birds and the Bees talk, and you can’t take up half of your doctor’s day asking all the questions you have. For example, do you know how long it takes for a sperm to reach an egg? I DO! Aside from that I felt myself sharing in the excitement for the BFP posts, and I was filled with hope for when I’d see those two pink lines. However, as time went on and I graduated from the “TTC” page to the “TTC for 6 Months” and eventually on to the “TTC for 12+ Months” pages my hope and excitement has long since died.
After 6-8months of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant I was in limbo. TTC is no longer new to you, and you – some days – feel like you have a bachelor’s degree in TTC but still haven’t been successful. At the same time due to my age (under 35 years old) doctors still don’t consider my inability to get pregnant a problem since “an average couple can take up to 12 months to get pregnant.” This is where my first fear developed – the fear that I may never be able to have a child of my own. This is the fear that swirls around in my heart every time wait for weeks and weeks to see signs of ovulation, or while I’m propping my hips up after BD. Having been to numerous doctors’ appointments, and provided blood, sweat, and tears to be tested I feel slightly more confident that the doctors will be able to get me pregnant.
This brings on my next fear being that I won’t be able to stay pregnant. As if the stress and heartache of TTC isn’t enough speaking with other woman who have been TTC for more than a year – some of them even more than five years – you hear story after story of them finally getting their BFP only to lose the pregnancy a short time after. The thought of having finally, after all of this time, found out I was pregnant only to have it end in miscarriage is something I fear so much.
So that’s it... my fear of never being able to get pregnant coupled with my fear of actually getting pregnant.
What a wild ride TTC is!