Preface: When I refer to the word “faith” I am not referring to it in any religion-specific way. Per Wikipedia: “Faith may also refer to a hope or belief, rational or irrational, in a certain outcome. Faith refers to a belief as it is not based on proof. The word faith is sometimes used as a synonym for hope, for trust, or for belief.”
Yesterday was my birthday! It was a lovely day here in the Midwest for the end of March. The sun was shining, and it was relatively warm. In the morning on my drive to work I have to take a pretty large bridge to get from the St. Paul side of the Mississippi River to the Mendota Heights side. When the weather changes as quickly as it did this week we get some pretty substantial fog in some areas of the cities – this bridge being one of them.
Yesterday the fog was thicker than I had ever seen it before. When I approached the bridge (mind you, this is a highway so the speed limit is 55mph!) you could really only see the first quarter of it before it disappeared into the fog. There was no seeing the middle or end of the bridge. I liken this point in my commute to the point I am current at with my TTC journey. I am going into it at full speed completely blind to the outcome. For all I know – the center of my bridge has gone missing overnight, and all of the cars driving into the fog are falling into the river only blocks ahead of me. I had faith, however, that this wasn’t the case – just as I’ve maintained faith that I will eventually get (and stay!) pregnant – and I drove on.
Once I found myself in the middle of the bridge I still could not see the end ahead of me, and I could no longer see the land behind me. I was, in a way, lost in space. I feel as though I am coming to this point in my TTC journey. The point in which I can’t go back to my former life of being ok with my future with or without a family, however I also can’t visualize or be sure that I ever will be able to have children of my own. This is a scary place to be. There are no guarantees, and there’s really no way to back out of the process unless you are willing and ok with plugging that hole in your heart with something else.
During my commute yesterday I, obviously, made it over the bridge safely and to work on time. Nothing tragic or out-of-the-ordinary happened. However, the final leg of my TTC journey is still unknown and it scares me.
I am currently on day 4 of a 10 day cycle of Provera to induce a period. Once that happens on CD3-7 I will be taking my first round of Clomid (50mg), ever. I am terrified. I am trying to have faith and trust in the process; however with all of the information online of the potentially devastating side effects of taking Clomid unmonitored I have to say that it’s hard to trust in this process. Coupled with that, my OB/GYN was positively awful to me at my last appointment. I had called and medical messaged her via the clinic’s online system multiple times prior to my appointment, all of which went ignored, and then I finally got a face to face appointment scheduled and she spend a whole 15 minutes with my husband and I. She used this time, rather than answering any of our questions, to read a pamphlet on Clomid to us (nearly verbatim). I left there so frustrated and offended by some of the things she said to me I called a local infertility clinic right away and schedule an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. They are on a waitlist so I couldn’t get an appointment until late May, and so I will proceed with this unmonitored cycle of Clomid, but after that I want to me in the hands of a compassionate and caring doctor who is willing to take the time to ensure my safety and well-being. Fingers crossed we get our take home baby!
Yesterday was my birthday! It was a lovely day here in the Midwest for the end of March. The sun was shining, and it was relatively warm. In the morning on my drive to work I have to take a pretty large bridge to get from the St. Paul side of the Mississippi River to the Mendota Heights side. When the weather changes as quickly as it did this week we get some pretty substantial fog in some areas of the cities – this bridge being one of them.
Yesterday the fog was thicker than I had ever seen it before. When I approached the bridge (mind you, this is a highway so the speed limit is 55mph!) you could really only see the first quarter of it before it disappeared into the fog. There was no seeing the middle or end of the bridge. I liken this point in my commute to the point I am current at with my TTC journey. I am going into it at full speed completely blind to the outcome. For all I know – the center of my bridge has gone missing overnight, and all of the cars driving into the fog are falling into the river only blocks ahead of me. I had faith, however, that this wasn’t the case – just as I’ve maintained faith that I will eventually get (and stay!) pregnant – and I drove on.
Once I found myself in the middle of the bridge I still could not see the end ahead of me, and I could no longer see the land behind me. I was, in a way, lost in space. I feel as though I am coming to this point in my TTC journey. The point in which I can’t go back to my former life of being ok with my future with or without a family, however I also can’t visualize or be sure that I ever will be able to have children of my own. This is a scary place to be. There are no guarantees, and there’s really no way to back out of the process unless you are willing and ok with plugging that hole in your heart with something else.
During my commute yesterday I, obviously, made it over the bridge safely and to work on time. Nothing tragic or out-of-the-ordinary happened. However, the final leg of my TTC journey is still unknown and it scares me.
I am currently on day 4 of a 10 day cycle of Provera to induce a period. Once that happens on CD3-7 I will be taking my first round of Clomid (50mg), ever. I am terrified. I am trying to have faith and trust in the process; however with all of the information online of the potentially devastating side effects of taking Clomid unmonitored I have to say that it’s hard to trust in this process. Coupled with that, my OB/GYN was positively awful to me at my last appointment. I had called and medical messaged her via the clinic’s online system multiple times prior to my appointment, all of which went ignored, and then I finally got a face to face appointment scheduled and she spend a whole 15 minutes with my husband and I. She used this time, rather than answering any of our questions, to read a pamphlet on Clomid to us (nearly verbatim). I left there so frustrated and offended by some of the things she said to me I called a local infertility clinic right away and schedule an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. They are on a waitlist so I couldn’t get an appointment until late May, and so I will proceed with this unmonitored cycle of Clomid, but after that I want to me in the hands of a compassionate and caring doctor who is willing to take the time to ensure my safety and well-being. Fingers crossed we get our take home baby!